I’ve been following a Facebook profile of a guy that has recently become the voice of victims lately with his silent video talking about his dirty little secret which explained how he had been raped by an adult male pedophile.
I so want to get involved with this discussion (https://www.facebook.com/spideralamode/posts/769092619815650) yet I don’t. I don’t have the courage to be berated by hurtful people who don’t agree with my thought process in this.
I do want to share my epiphany on the subject of why other trusted adults won’t believe a victim:
I believe it is because it’s the unthinkable incomprehensible acts of someone they know. Normal people do not do terrible things to children (or adults for that matter). The questions and rationalization/justifications happen almost immediately.
“You must have misunderstood what he meant”, “Are you sure he touched you ‘there’? There must be some reason…”, “You know we don’t allow lying in this family, why would you say such a thing?”.
It is not lack of trust for the victim but the inability to comprehend that a person they may love (even be in a relationship or marriage with) could possibly do those things, so the only alternative to their entire life, as they know it, changing, is to deny it, push it away, silence the insanity of it all.
Victims even stay quiet so their life does not change – making excuses in a desperate attempt to keep things the same.
I went to an adult and told them about my teen friend that was being abused by her father. He had been giving her cocaine, speed, and weed and had “special” afternoons with her for years – since the age of 5.
The adult I told went to the authorities and my friend spent 6 months in a foster home. She was forced to initially take a “Lysol Bath” to scrub the filth from her and was mentally and emotionally abused to the point that she jumped from a second story window to escape.
She survived the fall, had ankle surgery to fix the damage and was returned to her father. The whole time she was in the foster home, “his” life went on as normal. She wanted her life back and she recanted her statement. Telling me “it’s only every once in awhile, the [foster] home was terrible EVERY day”.
I know there are false reports – which is as terrible and unfair, in my opinion. And I know there have been major advances in how victims are dealt with now. I also have no doubt that a lot of times the victims are shut down and scolded for telling the truth.
I believe there needs to be a different solution. A safe haven that a child can go to and report the abuse. Places that specialize in victimization who can give a warm and loving environment to a victim without them having to initially face rejection. A place that can help a victim as they go through the physical examinations that we know the court will require. Perhaps a group therapy session with the non-abusive parent – with a person to record the events that take place in that session.
I know there has to be a better solution than “tell an adult” – the adults we trust are too close to the situation if it’s a family member. Justice is rarely served by a busy police officer, especially if the report is made untimely and difficult to prove. I know I was told after being raped “You need to learn to say no”.